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Reflections on Despair
The survivor or other traumatic event, as well asa person in crisis sooner or later comes to therapy to the point of his own despair. On the surface, the causes of its occurrence may be associated with the inability to get something very important in current relationships. Or the real life situation with its dead-end and hopelessness actualizes this feeling. Often the client finds a connection between these experiences and his earlier experiences, where it was not possible to influence the situation. When events unfolded in a terrible or painful direction and there was no way to escape, or there was no one who could save, or just something terrible happened.
The experience of despair is a very difficult experience. You can touch it only by losing hope.The hope that everything was really wrong, or that I keep everything under control, or that what is happening does not affect me.This is always evidence of the loss of something valuable, on which my view of myself, relationships, or significant others, or the structure of this world, rests.
Despair often comes with horror, or deep sadness and regret, sometimes with shame and guilt. It is hopeless to experience it painfully and from the inside, which is why it can be fully done only in the presence of another.
If something happens in life that changes its usual course and what we cannot influence,Sometimes it is necessary to survive despair, only in order to have the strength to move on.The death of a loved one, a natural disaster, a sudden bankruptcy or a serious illness are events whose significance is hard to ignore. Usually a person goes to other people at such times for support and the ability to rely on someone who is alive and more stable than himself. When the earth goes under our feet, this is the best thing that we all can do for ourselves. And then you can go through what you have no influence on.
In the case when a person has experience in violence, he comes to therapy, sometimes many and many meetings come to recognize the significance and size of this event or a succession of many events.The degree of their influence on themselves and the inability to change what happened. It can be very difficult, because once he could cope with violence only by burying, freezing part of himself along with this story. It is here that despair and pain are the same feelings that a person seeks to survive in order to restore the picture of what happened and get himself out of the wreckage.That is how grief works.Having noticed his despair, a person gets the opportunity to see himself and his life as he is.No matter how painful it is, relief always comes.Because you no longer need to pretend and spend a lot of effort to hide some part of yourself. The pain always asks out to be experienced.And when there is no longer any need to fight her, she first begins to live in full force, and then always gradually ends.
Despair is necessary for us to face our pain. As spring comes only after winter, only after pain gives the right to life, a person can cope with it and continue his life, incorporating into it already experienced and assimilated experience. Making it just part of your story.
Erich Fromm once said: “Happiness is often considered the direct opposite of grief or suffering. Physical and mental sufferings are part of human existence and they inevitably have to be experienced. To save oneself from grief at any cost is possible only at the cost of complete alienation, which excludes the possibility of experiencing happiness. In this way,the opposite of happiness is not grief and suffering, but depression, resulting from inner barrenness and sterility. "
At some moments, we can stay alive only at the cost of passing through our despair, grief and pain.This experience is difficult, but always endure, if there is another nearby.